My Fuzzy Boy. Scooby Doo. Maxy Boy. Moody Booty. Thank you, buddy. Thank you for the best 10 years. Your love and mischievous antics sustained me through some of the most profound highs and lows of my life.

I was at the threshold of my 20’s when we met. I had never had a dog before, I had no idea what I was doing. What I did know, is that I always dreamed of having a golden retriever and that I was so thrilled to be your mom. I remember when we chose you. You were the pick of the liter. You were referred to as “Moose” because you always climbed on top of your brothers and sisters when it was time to eat. You were the big guy of the bunch. We knew you were the one. You looked like a fuzzy marshmallow. You were the cutest thing I had ever laid my eyes on. We brought you home. You sat with me in the passenger seat whining the whole way.

We discovered early on that you were a trouble maker. Thank you. Thank you for not destroying any of my nice shoes or purses. Sure, you ate an entire window sill, as well as chewed a hole right through the sheetrock of our living room wall, but you knew your limits. You also knew that all you had to do was stare deep into my soul with those two hershey kiss eyes and I would be rendered defenseless against your crimes. You really were too cute to stay mad at.

Remember all of the times you ran away from me? Up and down Lenox Ave as I was chasing you like a crazy person. Sometimes without shoes on. Remember the time we were at Auntie Britt’s house and I was swimming in the pool? You ran off and darted INTO her neighbor’s house. I had to climb out of the pool and chase you soaking wet around this stranger’s home. They even told you you could stay. That’s the kind of dog you were. Even they couldn’t be mad at you.

We did solve a crime together. Remember when we discovered that hat on our walk that actually turned out to be a piece of evidence? Your name was even provided on the written statement, Brianna and her dog, Max. I swear we did it all.

Thank you for all of our walks and hikes. It was almost always the best part of my day. We’ve probably walked thousands of miles together. It’s one of the things I will miss most. I promise I’ll retire your red leash. It wouldn’t be the same with another dog at the end of it.

Thank you for softening dad up. You exposed traits in him I never knew he possessed. You evoked the purest love from him. He adored you, Max. We named you after his best friend. Max was similar to you in the way that everyone loved him. He was hard not to love. You had a way of breaking through people’s exterior shells and cracking open their hearts. I loved watching you and dad cuddle and play. I vividly recall him chasing you around the backyard half naked as you refused to surrender his slipper as it dangled out of your mouth. You tested your boundaries with him in ways I never could. You were deeply special to him.

That’s why he used you to propose to me. He presented me with a picture of you sitting proudly next to a sign that read, “Will you marry me?” How could I say no to that face? You looked so happy in that picture, beaming with pride and joy.

It was the same way you looked on our wedding day. You stole the show, I knew you would, but I was happy to share the spotlight. You radiated with happiness and honor as you led me down the aisle. Thank you for not running off into traffic or jumping on top of any of our guests. You were the best boy on that day, despite my fears. You knew it was a special occasion. When you saw me in my dress you gazed at me with intense adoration in your eyes. I could feel the pride and love gleaming off of you. You looked at me like a proud father, something I didn’t have on that significant day. It’s a moment I’ll never forget.

Thank you for sitting at my feet as I anxiously stared at countless pregnancy tests. You were the first one to find out that I was pregnant with Beau. I could feel your body filling with excitement as I watched two pink lines appear. You even drove to the store with me at 5 in the morning to buy more pregnancy tests. Thank you for being my special boy, my secret keeper.

Thank you for being the best big brother to Beau. I know it wasn’t an easy transition for you. You were warm and gentle with him. You sat by my side in the living room during those lonely midnight feedings offering me peace and comfort. I’ll never forget the look on your face when you watched me use a breast pump for the first time. I think yours and dad’s jaws both hit the floor. You watched me in awe. You made me feel like I was a strong and capable mother. You observed me from the couch or where ever the sunny spot was in admiration. I’m the best mom because of you Max. You introduced me to my maternal instincts and the unyielding love of a mother. You taught me to be patient and selfless. You also conditioned me to deal with poop and throw up. You helped me transition to motherhood. Thank you for making me the mother I am today. You will always be my first baby.

Thank you for being my healer and my safe space. You once again sat at my feet as I watched two lines appear on a pregnancy test. You rested your head on my belly as I sat suspended in limbo unsure of the future of this pregnancy. I could sense something was wrong and you did too. You licked my tears and didn’t leave my side after I came home from surgery. You were tender and affectionate with me as I mourned the loss of our baby. You mended me with your doggy kisses and happy tail. Your love never faltered, especially when I was in pain.

Thank you for all of the wonderful memories we made in New Hampshire and Maine. You were my adventure buddy. I hated to go anywhere without you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a mountain peak the same. I loved bringing you to my happy place. You felt alive up there. You were the best travel companion. I’ll never forget watching the sunrise with a coffee in one hand while patting your head with the other. You appreciated the stillness of a sunrise just like me. You relished in those moments and the beauty of mother nature. I know I will always see you in every sunrise and sunset. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of our sacred time together.

You were so excited for us to be building a house. You loved trotting around our property and taking in all the new scents and places to mark your territory. We spent countless nights eating pizza and grinders on a picnic blanket dreaming up ideas of what our future home would look like. Lots of times you had to be put in time out because of your persistent urge to run away with the entire pizza hanging out of your mouth. You sabotaged a lot of dinners in that way. But what you inflicted in mischief you always made up for with your loyalty. Thank you for providing our family with a sense of hope and light as we navigated the trials of building our home. You always reminded us of our resilience as well as the silver linings in every difficult process. You loved your new home, although it wasn’t super compatible with your aging body. The stairs quickly became a hazard and you often slipped and slid all over the hard wood floors. Thank you for your resilience and patience in adapting to your new space. I know it wasn’t the easiest, but you always found the bright side. Like where the perfect sunny spots are throughout the day and the luxuries of lounging on our front porch watching the dragonflies and birds buzz around. Thank you for making this space a home despite the hardships we faced in building it. Thank you for filling this space with your love, dog hair and squeaky toys. They will serve as constant reminders of your presence here.

Max, thank you for passing away at home. You knew it was a choice I could never make. You heard me tell the vet that I would not submit you to poking and prodding and beeping monitors and unfamiliar faces, just to inevitably have to put you down anyways. You heard me tell the vet that the most comforting thing she told me at our last appointment is that you could pass away at home. You knew it’s what we needed. You even jumped off the bed that night because you heard dad tell me that when you do pass, you will expel poop everywhere. You did us the courtesy of doing that on the floor. You loved us until your very last breath. Even as you were dying, you considered your family and put us first. Thank you for allowing us all to be by your side even though we were sleeping. Thank you for gently tugging me awake, so I would be the first to see you in a blissful state of peace as your soul quietly left your body. Thank you for giving me the chance to smother you with kisses and bury my face in your fur for the last time. I know your spirit will always be with us, but I will miss wrapping my arms around your fuzzy body and holding your face in both of my hands. I will miss all of you.

Max, I miss you so much my entire body aches. The pain is violently radiating throughout me, down to my bones. I feel sick without you Max. I feel so heavy and incomplete. Life doesn’t feel real. My heart feels hollow, like a deep, dark trench where only grief will reside. My body has been taken over by an invasive melancholy and the only one who can make it better isn’t here. I am lost without you buddy.

But I promise that I will do for you what you have done for me throughout our time together. I will look for the sunny spots in life. I will reflect on our time together fondly. I will slowly allow all of our happy memories and every ounce of love you instilled in me to dissolve the pain in my heart and replace it with your warmth. Because that’s where you will always be, in my heart. I’ll visit you during every sunrise and sunset. You’ll be with me for Mcdonald’s ice cream trips and walks around the neighborhood. You’re not here anymore, but you’ll never be gone. Thank you for everything Max ❤️