It’s been over just a month since my surgery. No body told me that even though my pregnancy was terminated, I would still feel pregnant. I would still wake up with morning sickness and instinctively place my hand on my belly. Nobody warned me about the constant emails I would get reminding me to make a baby registry and to take my prenatal. Nobody told me that I would have good days, that would suddenly turn into bad days because something would trigger me and force me to face my grief. Nobody told me how scary it would be to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks post op to make sure my HCG levels were going down. I’ve never found such comfort in a negative pregnancy test before.
Nobody told me how quickly my body would recover, while the rest of me struggled to catch up. I ovulated 3 weeks after my surgery. I know this because I was monitoring my ovulation with OPKs. Although, it seems that trying to conceive again should be the furthest thing from my mind, its the only way I know how to move on. After months and months of disappointment and negative tests, the only way I know how to move on is to keep moving forward.
My longing for another child has only gotten deeper since our loss. The void in my heart is piercing. The desire to conceive again can be felt from the inside out. My baby was ripped out of my body without warning and I can feel it on a physiological level. My body didn’t get to finish the job it was intended for and it is so eager to try again. Nobody will tell you that. Nobody will tell you how you will mourn for your loss, but also for your body’s. Pregnancy unites you to your body on a spiritual and emotional level, but losing a pregnancy will connect you even more.
Some women will resent their body or feel as if it failed them. I on the other hand, feel like I failed my body. Sometimes I feel as if I started trying to conceive before my body was ready. I weaned Beau from breastfeeding because I thought it would improve our chances of getting pregnant. During the weaning process, my body spiraled from the hormones. It was like postpartum all over again. Instead of trying to add more hormones to the mix, I should of given my body the time it needed to level out and heal after such an emotional time.
Nobody will tell you how much you will blame yourself and contemplate the what if’s. You’ll try to take responsibility for something that was completely out of your hands. But sometimes the only thing that can bring you comfort, is knowing that you had some control over the situation. So you start taking a different vitamin or alter your work out regimen in hopes that you can produce a better outcome.
Nobody will tell you how the little things like driving down the road will make you sad. Because the car you’re driving is your mom car and when you bought that car with the 3 rows, your intention was to fill it with kids. Tears fill your eyes as you watch your son play by myself in the rear view and your heart aches that you’ll be able to give him a sibling to fight with in the back seat. You just crave that chaos that you always imagined your life with. You never once doubted that you would get what you always dreamed of, until this moment.
Nobody will tell you how much you will contemplate the future of your family. You start to wonder if you should sell your baby swing as well as the tote of new born clothes you tucked away with the promise of another life. You start to look at your one living child with an unprecedented intensity. You start to wonder if this will be your only kid and if that’s the case, you have to make his life count more than ever. Your anxiety begins to peak because you don’t want anything to happen your one baby ever. Simple things like leaving your kid home when you go to work will become crippling because what if something happens to him while you’re gone? His life becomes more important than you ever imagined.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are hardships that are not often talked about, because such pain and grief is hard to articulate. It’s almost impossible to put into words how hollow you feel after a loss. And because no one is talking about it, you often wonder if your pain is valid. You have nothing to compare your situation to and it quickly becomes isolating. I can’t take the pain away or make things magically better, but I can assure you that you are not alone and anything you feel is normal and real. Don’t suffer alone.