It’s been 4 months since my loss and the trauma still lives inside of me. The more I navigate through my healing process, the more I realize that I will never be the same. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think I’m becoming a better person because of it. I’ve started doing acupuncture as well as writing in a gratitude journal. I’ve never felt more connected to my higher self. Somehow my trauma has transformed me into the person I think I was always meant to be.
When your biggest fear comes true, it’s oddly a relief. Like okay, the worst possible thing I ever imagined happening to me has happened and yet, I survived, I’m here. You’re braver because of it. Your whole outlook on life evolves. I truly believe there’s magic in the universe that only becomes available to you after your life has been flipped upside down.
I consider myself a spiritual person. I’ve always been in tune with the universe and the messages it has to offer. The darkness and grief of my pregnancy loss has only deepened my intuition. I’ve noticed more signs from the universe than ever before and I think it’s played a crucial role in my healing process. On the days where I can barely muster the emotional fortitude to get out of bed, I’m reminded that everything will be okay and there is hope.
I’m making progress as I can see my trauma getting smaller in the rear view mirror of my soul. It’s starting to take up less space. I no longer feel suffocated by my grief. I’ve still been longing for closure though. I tried so hard to minimize my pain by pretending that I didn’t actually lose a baby. But the more I suppressed the truth, the more I hurt. The mass of cells that was removed from my body along with my Fallopian tube was a very longed for baby. It has a list of potential names and a projected May birthday. I didn’t want to think of a life for the baby that we lost because it made it too real. I also felt guilty for saying that I lost a baby, because others truly have lost their children, while my loss didn’t even have a heartbeat. I got buried in this unchartered realm of infant and pregnancy loss. I didn’t know how I was allowed to feel.
Recently I’ve taken a hold of my emotions and have given myself permission to feel however I need to. Once I opened myself up I find the closure I was looking for.
A week before my emergency surgery, we were in New Hampshire celebrating our anniversary. I was still in limbo with my pregnancy as we didn’t have answers as to why I was bleeding so heavily despite my increasing HCG levels. We decided that while we on our trip we were going to celebrate the pregnancy and think positive. Up until that point we had been keeping our guard up to protect ourselves from the worst possible outcome.
We were canoeing down the Saco river and Beau lovingly grazed my belly with his tiny hand and locked eyes with me knowingly. It was almost as if he was telling me that he knew there was something going on. I savored the moment and let it linger for awhile. Shortly after, a dragonfly came buzzing by. It landed on Beau’s hat and remained there. I fumbled to get my phone and as soon as I found it, the dragonfly was gone. Despite not getting the picture, I knew it was something I would never forget. I felt grateful for our encounter and I accepted it as a good omen. Just moments later, the dragonfly returned, once again landing on Beau’s hat. This time it stuck around much longer. It stayed with us for so long that I was able to get all the pictures I desired. It gave me that warm and fuzzy feeling, like everything was going to be okay.
Truthfully, I forgot about the dragonfly. It was a cool experience, but bared no relevance in my current life, until a couple of days ago.
Last week, I got back from acupuncture and I was almost in a sedative state. I was deep in my thoughts doing a lot of processing, when suddenly I remembered the dragonfly. Some light went off in my head that told me the dragonfly was the baby I lost. I did a little research just to inquire what dragonflies are supposed to symbolize. To my surprise, some people believe that dragonflies are an omen of death and can represent a visit from a deceased love one. Having contact with a dragonfly is a spiritual connection to the afterlife.
The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. As if all this wasn’t making enough sense, much of the symbolism of dragonflies is derived from their short life cycle. Most dragonflies will only live 6 months from their larvae state to a mature adult. I am deeply convinced that the dragonfly fly we encountered just days before my surgery was our baby saying hello and goodbye and letting us know that everything will be okay.